Thursday, May 5, 2011

My first Mother's Day

Contractions all night. Rushing to my 8am appointment to see my OB praying that I would finally have this baby.....

The weeks of anticipation was overkill. My first pregnancy. All the dreams, hopes, and excitment that went along with my pregnancy to this point was at a peak as we drove to the hospital.

Later that cold, May evening, Benjamin was born. My first Mother's Day.

The feelings of fear, anger, confusion, panic swept over me like a tidal wave that wouldn't stop pounding on me.

Breathing issues? NICU? What did this mean? I didn't anticipate this. He was considered "full term".

My husband and I couldn't have anticipated much of any part of the year we had been having. Unplanned pregnancy. Wedding. Adjusting to new married life. Baby boy. Now, he's having health issues?

It was almost too much to bear. I remember being really angry as I looked out the hospital window watching the world go on as normal. Oh, how I wanted to scream and shake my fist in the air resenting the fact that people could go on like normal WHEN I HAD A SICK NEWBORN IN THE HOSPITAL!!

My first Mother's Day.

I look back at that day and see how God has used motherhood to shape me, refine me as I grow in knowing Him. He doesn't waste our suffering. He doesn't waste the times we feel like failures as moms.

Yes, that day I felt like a failure. Did the extreme stress I felt during this pregnancy thrust my body into labor? Did I do something? Did I not do something?

Today, Benjamin is a loud, energetic, healthy 7 yr old. Praise God. It's been motherhood that has humbled me the most, as I've stepped out covered in poo and baby spit up to grab a gallon of milk, as I've walked sheepishly out of the store with a screaming toddler in the grocery cart...

I'm sure this has never happened to you.

Motherhood has me reminded consistently the grace God has shown me when I've screwed up. I'm thankful He still seems to trust our family enough to move across the world and be good stewards of the resources we receive to help the people in Kenya.

Oh, how precious is the flow, that makes us white as snow, NO OTHER FOUNT I KNOW, Nothing but the Blood of Jesus.

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