Refining...OUCH!

I've been questioning a lot of things in our life recently. All of a sudden, I feel as though the desire to go to Uganda-to work in Uganda-to do anything with Africa is completely gone. Completely. Part of me is feeling relief, and another part of me is wondering where this is coming from. It is so unlike me. So, is this from God or from the Enemy? Is this God asking us to move forward regardless of how we feel? Or is this God asking us to just be content in Fargo-for now?
I am such a dreamer, a risk taker, an adrenaline junkie....but at the same time I am a person of logic and a woman of a sound mind that I would never do anything that "financially doesn't make sense".

The truth is, TJ and I have been offered a "job" to run a baby house-for adoptions out of Gaba, Uganda. WHAT!?!?!? Could this be????? I, Lindsay, have ALWAYS wanted to have an "orphanage" of sorts-a children's home....but Lord, a BABY HOUSE!?!? That's my dream's dream. we have been in contact with people who have been in Uganda, just recently adopted from Uganda, and somehow we have connected.

Also, I am going to Uganda this April through Children's HopeChest with 3 or 4 others from the Fargo community...AWESOME! There, we will be travelling with Peter, a significant person, who has authority and discernment to tell TJ and I if this baby house is "legit"and how to minimize it being corrupt (if that risk is there at all). This Peter guy is also in the know of Children's HopeChest AND this couple that just recently adopted from Uganda. This all just seems to be coming full circle, so why, then, have I completely lost my desire to serving in Africa??

Some thoughts that I have had this week are:

"Why would you want to go to Africa? Your family couldn't be safe"

are you kidding me

"Why would you want to go to Africa You are too small to fix those problems"


are you kidding me?


"Why would you want to go to Africa? It's a waste of money that could otherwise be spent on the children there who have nothing...and you've been there several times anyway".


are you kidding me?

I mean, logic can tell me that "those thoughts are not from God". But sometimes I truly feel these things-really!


I don't know. I'm just rambling, my thoughts are jumbled because it is late and I am tired. I'm tired of thinking, tired of wondering if Africa is for us full time or not. Somtimes I just want to sit in a room full of cute purses and shoes and say "this is good for now" but I know that that is not what God wants with my life.

I love the analogy that God has in the Bible about us being jars of clay. What a beautiful picture to think of as he is refining and molding us-in the Potter's Hand. And each of us are so unique. I love the Body of Christ.

But wouldn't it be easier if we could just be handed a piece of mail and told what steps to take next?!?!!?