...and no, I'm not talking about weight :)
I'm talking about all of the fear that has been sweeping across my mind lately. The fear of things that I think about as we make transitions towards moving to Kenya.
For me, I think about the dreams I have had for my kids-such as baseball game tournaments, piano lessons, school plays/musicals. They seem silly when I step back and look at the big picture. But, I know God cares about the details of my life as a mama to my boys, so I let it go and leave it in God's hands.
There are times when TJ and I have been on the brink of saying "no"...and I feel a rush of relief come over me. TJ and I start praying "break our hearts for what breaks Yours God" and the overwhelming feeling of "serve me through orphan care" comes swooping back in and we are desiring more than ever to be in Kenya. Then comes the fear again.
I've been praying a lot about this cycle. Naturally, there are a lot of feelings that come with moving such as fear of the unknown, the "how will my kids transition" worry, and "really...ME...homeschool!?!?!?". Many more thoughts come, but you will probably think I've lost my mind.
We are going to Texas in February to speak more with Bud and Kimberly about going on staff with them. Lots of things up in the air right now. It will feel so good to connect with them again!
As we process all of the different emotions of moving overseas, there is one thing that remains firm. Jesus. I'm reminded why we are on this earth-it's but a whisper in the scope of eternity, and I do not want to spend it doing things other than where we feel God calling us-no matter what. We also know that God does not waste one drop of suffering-does not waste one tear we shed or barrier that may come our way because we know God is growing us through that experience. Sometimes, that's hard for me to swallow-especially think about taking our boys for the ride.
I'm human. I struggle. And some days, it is not easy.
I know there is no greater joy that comes with serving others-serving the Lord. So, with that, we are pleading with God to get our debt paid off, in His time. To give us a renewed joy in the work that we do here in our community and the rhealm of Social Services.
We are praying for patience, unity to continue in our marriage and for God to continue to prepare the hearts of our children. Will you join me?