Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Today is a crappy day, just sayin'

"There goes Mom crying again," I hear more than once over the past week.

Letting go is hard.

Transitioning is hard.

Today, is a hard day. Today is a day that I look up at the sky and ask God "Why, why us?" Today is a day where I can say that I feel like crap.

Letting go of "my treasures" is not easy. I'm sick to see the piles of junk that we've accumulated over the 7 years we've been a family.

Why did I feel like all this stuff was necessary? Some of it is sentimental. Some of it is "just in case" fancy plates, "on sale" extra holiday decor and "oh this is cute" picture frames. Why am I so attached to it?

I sit in an almost-empty shell of what used to be our home and I don't hear the kids begging for the toys that are in storage. I don't hear them wishing for that one shirt that is in a tub somewhere in the garage.

I see them playing with the few toys left out they do have. I see them playing more make believe outside now that it is nice out. I see them unfathomed by wearing the same small number of shirts they have left in their drawers.

Oh, how I long for being a child again, some days.

On the other hand, I'm not seeking to put out the world's biggest pity party. Just being real with where I am.

I always fall back on the little phrase "if not me, then who?".

Who? I have no idea how what we are doing today will impact tomorrow, our family, or those around us.

But I find myself praying for little people half way around the world I haven't met yet. I find myself praying for my children to be drawn closer to Him and for their little hearts to be wrecked for God's glory for all they see, hear, smell, taste and experience in Africa. I pray for Sprouts-for Mattaw, for all the missionaries in Kitale that we will be joining because I love the ministry of orphan care.

If not me, then who? If not US, then who?

Even though today is a crappy day in my little world, I'm thankful to know and be reminded that we have food, a house, vehicles, employment and friends. I know that tomorrow is a new day and all days are not like this one. But today, for now, life is hard. That's all.


Maria said...

Ahhhwww..Sweetie, We love you and are so inspired by you. Don't carry all of this, let us carry some on our shoulders for you. We are so proud of you and think of you daily.

Sarah said...

It's always amazed me at how God uses children to show me more about Himself, and how I can live in Him. What a wonderful "lesson" to be thankful for! This period is only a transition - transitions are not always easy. Allow your kids to teach your heart: they have adjusted to having less "stuff," and they are happy and content. Likewise, you can use this time to learn to be happy and content with less "stuff."

If you hesitate to get rid of something, then keep it. Come back in a year, then sort through it again. I find that this is helpful when I sort through clothes and memorabilia - if I haven't looked at it in a year or so, then it's time to seriously consider getting rid of it.

Hang in there - the best is yet to come!

mountain mama said...

i've had to die so much to my flesh out here in the mountains and it is HARD!!!!

children are really so resilient.

but...my prayer is always less of me Lord, more of you.

and...emotions are a crazy thing too.

hang in there and God bless~